Lamentations

So this is the end of the month. Already a vacation in, finished two concurrent courses Math, and Intro to programming, and moved onto the next phase of college learning Prob and Statistics. To mince words on how I feel about this course is mute point, I just believe in a stronger ethic in correspondence. Alas I'm the outlander when it comes to real this discourse.

As May nears the end of its 2011 run, I'm taking a little time to myself this year to just be. I've tired of the mundane, the idiotic, and emotionally draining people this side of the west. I'm not really interested in the vacuum of complacency, which ill affords me the opportunity to sit and idle. So, I've pushed onward, looked in the mirror and am accepting who I am. Either it is or it isn't. There is no more underlying messages to be had. I've bore very little fruit in this endeavor. Its time to focus on the real, and believe that way. There are always going to be walls placed in my way, I've had to struggle with each movement I've made. If this gives too much out there then so be it.

I've lost a lot of great people, and gained a few by pulling me in a direction I've not been comfortable. I've endured a ever lasting embarrassment. I've toiled over the misbegotten, and forgotten nothing. I walk with each step, slow, methodical, and sometimes unsure. If there is poetry in my existence then I'm living how I can be. There are no retries from now on. I can't start over again. I cannot tare down and re-examine. I must move along to where I need to go. With Peggy's passing last year, many things have become more focused in my hindsight. I've had some weird times, but I've had some good ones. 2011 is shaping up to be a year the lessons I've learned prior, and to adapt accordingly. I'm to take each skill and use it, find a place I can mingle and live the best I can. The cynical attitude, the break it before it hurts me doesn't work now. Its a struggle, but I'm learning. The paradigm ahead of me is already laying waste to that came before, I must figure a way to survive.

The talk of serfs and upper class is ringing very true. The fact I'm reading about the battle lines drawn, the cleansing of the poor classes, while instigating diversion is unsettling. A new kind of distortion is arriving, its how you, and everyone else will either survive, or wither. 1995 is a long time ago, but what was seen then is coming to pass now, and I hope that it won't end the way I foreseen.

Thanks for reading.

B.