Meeting Today

This is probably the most difficult meeting I've had in sometime. I was thrusted into my own perception today. It was as if I was being shoved a little to think about what it is that drives me, and my personal difficulties.

Where does the pressure to succeed come from? What is my motivation to being extremely closed off about people, and open to new experiences that may or may not be advantageous for my personal growth?

Do I seek validation for the efforts I employ? Do I trust someone other than myself? Lastly, the importance upon setting boundaries that are healthy, and cognitive enough for me to mingle freely without provocation?

I suppose, its 2011, I've lived a very survivalist life. Hand to mouth. One project to another, and so on. Have I become so ingrained in my own lot, that I myself haven't really seen outside of the peculiarities of what life has to offer me?

I'm not trying to evade, or avoid, I've been burned, hurt, abused, and victimized that I've crawled into this shell, plunking away at the bottom feeders of carrion. I've been exclusively set in my dream to be an artist, and that endeavor somewhat ended because of ego/validation.

I guess its real work to look at what I've been, and where I need to be going. Nothing is ever certain, as proof of living through 2007. But, I'm also not so stuck in the mud that I need to acknowledge what I was doing for a long time doesn't work now. That I'm realizing that I've got to adjust, adapt, and figure it out. I still do not have the slightest idea what I want to do with my life. I have inclinations, but otherwise that clarity thing is obscured from sight. My feeling is it'll be with technology, in what capacity who knows.

Otherwise, I'm tired of rebuilding. Its old, its not in my best interest to keep tearing it down. I lose bits of myself this way. There was a time I was so Bushido, that I wanted nothing to own. Folks thought that mightily strange, but it worked for me then. I still feel like I have to hold onto various ethics for my personal safety.

I don't know, I'm just putting this here to read later on. A lot of brooding this evening. I have a lot to think about.

B.